living without punctuation

by Patricia M. Gill

She sits pulling on strands of her hair trying to decide if she needs a haircut while gazing out the picture window and notes that a man on a bike passed by a jogger and then sees four golfers strolling down the fairway located across the street from her second story condo which doesnt have a porch but has a catwalk wide enough to hold a table and still allow room to walk by but for safety reasons it cant be left outside when not in use so shes never had one put outside but does have a small one inside to hold her coffee cup which is now on it so she can sit hassle free people watching unless of course a neighbor passing by sees her and comes inside to talk about who is doing what to whom in the building or in their own families as if she cared although once she felt tears form behind her eyes which surprised her because she thought nothing could move her beyond the wall built by what happened to put her in the wheelchair she sits in and although she doesnt cry about it anymore she does think about it and them and imagines what their lives are like now without their son for like them she lost hers but of course not in the same manner or at the same age and she wonders if that makes a difference and if it does what the difference is so she could better understand whats happening to her through them just like everyone understands more about themselves by understanding more about others she seeks to replace what she has lost with something found not to fill a void because he left no void as her memory of him is fully intact yet the vessel of emotion that once surrounded her muscles and bones when he hugged her is gone and his passing took with him her need to have usable muscles and bones the doctors told her psychiatric help would do the trick of unlocking these restraints but she didnt want to see a psychiatrist and told them maybe later when more time has passed and heard them say better sooner than later but still she refused because she was afraid that walking again meant walking away from his memory and not wanting that to ever happen she sentenced herself to life inside the window and refuses all invitations to go out here or there for she thinks any new memories would only pile up on top of those she has of him and then pulling up memories of him might be more difficult so she refuses and hopes soon they will all stop asking but of course she knows they never will because they think they know what is better for her than she knows herself and since trying to convince them otherwise has proved useless she listens and nods then refuses and then listens and nods and refuses again until they are tired of repeating themselves and hearing her repeat herself and they leave the subject and go on to something else or say goodbye and then leave the condo and her in peace and quiet as she sits pulling on strands of her hair trying to decide if she needs a haircut while gazing out the picture window