toast & tea
“Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea.”
- T. S. Eliot
HELLO MINIONS!
And welcome to our biweekly stop by the tea shop, aka ADVICE TIME.
We are T. S. Flufiot, two highly qualified opinion-givers, a dangerous dynamic duo full of ideas you may or may not want to hear. With over 40 combined years of endless talking, morale boosting, & a healthy dose of narcissism, we can assure you
that we are the best in the biz when it comes to spouting
a lot of hot air that may contain a little bit of wisdom.
Want to know if you look "okay" in that dress? We’ll write you a well-researched essay on feminist empowerment & why you are KWEEN. Want to know how much stock you should put into alien conspiracy theories? We are here to tell you that ALIENZ R REAL and they are friends, not food.
So send us your questions, desires, and dirtiest little secrets,
and we'll tell you exactly what to do with them.
WHAT DO I DO IF MY FEET ARE TWO DIFFERENT SIZES? LIKE, ONE FITS INTO A SHOE PERFECTLY BUT THE OTHER ONE IS JUST TOO SMALL? HELP!
Dear One Size Does Not Fit All,
First off, Humans come in all shapes and sizes. Symmetry has been out of style for years. Why do you think so many models have “quirky” web presences? It’s because they DON’T have two asymmetrical feet. So go you! You may have a modeling career ahead of you. Hell, call IMG. They’ll probably drop Karlie Kloss to get a shot at your authentic pedal-pushers. So, from an acceptance perspective - run like a stallion and embrace your varying hooves! But from a practical, shoe-buying perspective: let’s talk shop.
Buying practices will depend on how differently your feet are sized. If, say, the left one is a size 7 and the right is a size 8, you may be able to get away with squeezing into a paired shoe. But if your scruples are a little closer to mine, just switch out for the size you need from the appropriate shoe box. You’ll probably be doing other different-sized bipeds a great favor anyway. There’s more of you out there. Help a human out.
However, if your feet are radically different, it may be best to employ the magician’s greatest trick: distraction. I’m not saying tie a massive flower to the lace of your size 3 chuck, or rig a bunch of mirrors to your size 32 stiletto, but I am saying to start a fire in Target’s shoe department, grab the goods you need, and scram. Nothing in the constitution says you can’t. Believe me, I’ve looked.
Wishing you a burn-less escape,
T
HOW DO I AVOID BEING HAUNTED BY MY MEMORIES?
Dear Restless Mind,
I have to assume that you mean bad memories. Because sometimes it is nice to be haunted by good memories, in a friendly ghost sort of way. But I take it you are Casper-less, and for that I am sorry. Luckily, the multi-dimensional door is open and you too can get a foot in the bad-memory busting biz.
A lot of the things we associate as bad, and as memories, aren’t actually memories at all. They’re physical things that exist in our lives that pull up those bad things from the deeper recesses of our brains. What I’m saying is - you may be doing your own haunting. Delete pictures from your phone that make you feel a ghostly presence. Throw away (or better: donate) old clothes that stink of unhappy ectoplasm. Get out of your haunted head. Go on a trip, go to a party, read someone else’s ghost story.
Often it’s our own actions that do the sliming. Why be slimed? Eliminate the tools of troubled nostalgia and you’ll notice a lot less weird orbs showing up in your selfies. Work your own angles. Bust your demons. And for the love of all things paranormal, don’t go on that destination ghost tour. Spend that thirty bucks on pizza. Haunt your stomach for a change.
Raising you a ghoul-less glass,
T
AM I A SUMMER OR A WINTER?
Dear Seasonally Confused,
Do you find yourself constantly muttering condescending / ominous phrases such as “Oh you sweet summer child, what do you know of fear? Fear is for the winter”? Have you ever considered enlisting in an army of cold, brooding men to fight off the wild people of the North or even the fabled winter zombies? Do you have a direwolf? Do you rock a fur coat better than Macklemore? Ok, MOST people rock a fur coat better than Macklemore, but you know what I’m getting at here. Is your long, luscious hair the envy of men and women alike - despite the ambiguity surrounding why it’s so shiny all the time (Is that greasy or freshly washed? Does it matter?)? Do you believe in "working hard"?
If so, you’re a winter. Your colors are shades of black, grey, white (and yes, winters insist on believing these are colors), and maybe an occasional splash of muted blue if you’re feeling fancy. You are stubborn, loyal, and a good person to a fault. You prefer storms to other weather because they give you a legitimate excuse to cancel all plans and endlessly Netflix in the comfort of your own family fortress. Be ware of tyrannical teenage kings who may want to chop your head off. Sometimes you need to keep the truth to yourself in order to save your own skin.
If you answered no / were extremely confused by the above questions: Would you sleep with almost anyone to become the ruler of a kingdom? Do you love lounging around in low-cut gowns, drinking wine, having servants (or interns?) wait on your every need whilst you plan your domination of Westeros - erm, the PR industry? Do you steal the spotlight at every ball / house party you attend with your alluring dance moves? Do you believe that morality is fluid and all press is good press?
Chances are, you are a summer. Your ambitions involve fame, fortune, influence, and unlimited cocktails. You believe in working smarter, not harder, and using any ammunition available to impress / seduce / claw your way to the top. And while you’re on your way up, you’re determined to have a good time.
If you have some slightly ambiguous cold-ish qualities such as: enjoying Netflix watching and shitty weather minus the ridiculously strict moral code, killing a good fur outfit but still occasionally longing for shorts weather, or admiring the autumnal color changes while fearing the unpredictably freezing fronts and snow zombies that El Nino might bring this year -- you’re a fall.
You’ve never even realized that many people despise the color brown, you wear a cardigan year-round, you love Meg Ryan movies - specifically for the seasonal scenery and menswear, and you often find yourself content with being slightly sad. But you better align yourself with the Starks soon because winter is coming and you’ll need someone fiercer to protect your cozy ass while you enjoy your Fireball & cider.
Enjoy the warmer weather but prefer girly, twirly skirts and Zooey Deschanel movies over plunging necklines and murder? Love having one drink in a corner at a house party but also reading a good book in a park? Content to not sex your way to the top? You’re probably a spring. The most hopeless of romantics, you love pinks and florals and see straight through spring’s disgusting wall of pollen while wearing your rose-colored glasses.
Anxiously awaiting April 24,
S